I have experienced an epiphany.  Up until about two weeks ago, I hated my english class.  Now I love it.  I always have loved english and analyzing and the like, but being in the AP class had me feeling inferior, and unconfident of my abilities, and I was so concentrated on those feelings that I really did not enjoy it.  One day a couple weeks ago, however, I just realized that I didn't care about those feelings.  I realized that those feelings were what were holding me back.  I just put forth my best effort, which wasn't that great, but I loved it.  I just enjoyed it.  After that, I realized, that I am able to do the stuff now.  There is still a lot of work to do but I am doing an excellent job.  I realized that I was doing something subconsciously that I really look down on, judging my abilities and criticizing them based on the abilities of others.  It wasn't a conscious decision to do this, and part of my epiphany was this realization. 

I have realized that I life a very independent life.  The things I do are soley for self-satisfaction.  This is partly because I have no one to try to please.  I am secure in who I am and I really don't care what anyone thinks of me.  Seriously.  I don't care what anyone says about me, I just don't care.  This is an impossible concept for people to grasp.  Probably because no one feels the same way and I can tell that they don't even when they say they do by the way they act and the things they say when people say or do things to them.  Well, my dad wants on the computer so I will conclude this in-depth analysis of myself later.

My life is so confusing.  I don't even understand myself.  I have realized that I over-analyze myself.  This is very frustrating because I can analyze myself until (for lack of a better expression) the cows come home (hey, this IS the south isn't it?) But I can't analyize a simple piece of literature.  Well, I CAN analyze it, I just can't put my thoughts onto paper in a neat and well organized essay.  I think my inclination to analyze myself stems from a subconscious insecurity, or a need to in a sense rationalize my actions.  It is like, if I KNOW that I am doing something or why I do something, it isn't as bad as doing something and being completely clueless, or in denial.  Like if you are being really stupid and hyper for example around people you don't know.  You know that you are being stupid and hyper, and you also know that the other people are probably thinking "what a freak" so to ease things over you say something like "and I know I am being really dumb right now" and then they think "well, she cant' be too crazy if she is at least aware of the fact that she is being dumb".  It's better than them thinking that you think you are being cool by acting stupid.  This isn't an example derived from a particular experience, just the only example I could think of off the top of my head.

Although my AP english class is very difficult for me, I am SO glad I am in it and not in a regular english class (CP)  For quite some time I have been feeling that I am out of place in my english class, that I am always one step behind everyone else.  But then my AP teacher came to class and told us why she was teaching AP and had refused to teach CP or TP.  One day she had been subbing for a CP senior english class.  Seniors study British lit.  Well, the students were complaining about everything and finally one brilliant student blurted out with attitude "well, I don't see why we should have to study the ENGLISH language.  *huffs.  We should be studying the AMERICAN language.

I wanted to shoot myself.  It hurts to even talk about it so I will change the subject.

Ok, I have a problem.  I am very confused.  This guy I work with keeps buying me stuff everyday.  Everyday he will just buy me rice krispy treat and a Dr. Pepper.  I guess he knows I like Dr. Pepper, but I don't know why he gets me rice krispy treats.  I still don't know WHY he buys me stuff in the first place.  N e way, I don't know what to do.  I know he doesn't like me so that is not a reason.  I know that he doesn't get Jenny anything (the girl I work with) And I feel uncomfortable taking the things from him, but he leaves me no opportunity to turn it down.  He buys it, says "here, this is for you", and walks out of the classroom.  GRRR.  I really feel bad taking it from him and it is just kind of weird.  It would be different if I thought that he liked me but I KNOW he doesn't.  sigh.  I tried to ask him about it today and he just kind of changed the subject (today he stayed after he gave me the stuff.  LOL.  the way I worded that just sounded like I was talking about drugs or something. )  So I don't know what to do.  Or really what to think.  I mean he is my friend and everything, but he just recently started doing this.  And I doubt he would just do that because I am his friend because I have my own money.  So once again, I dont' know what to do. 

Today I submitted some of my poetry to be published in the pantheon (a literary mag. my school publishes).  I had my english teacher last year, and my AP english teacher help me select the ones they thought were the best.  They both said that my poetry was very profound.  This was really nice to hear because I am usually so critical of my work.  It was nice to know that I had done a good job.  And usually I woudl argue what they said, but for once in my life I am going to just accept it and be happy about it.  Yeah!  this is a milestone for me!  I am on my way to becoming a better person (or I could let all the compliments get to my head like so many of the people in this world) but I don't see that ever happening to me.  Perhaps I am in denial here.  Maybe I already let things get to my head and everyone thinks that I am some stuck-up snob.  Hmm....*zones out in a moment of self-reflection*...Naw! lol. 

We are not doing any work in English class this week.  We are selling stuff in a "yard sale" in my teacher's classroom so she can raise money to donate to the Relay for Life Cancer Foundation thing that our school is hosting this year.  So for all you people who would like to help further the cause of breast cancer prevention and cures come walk around our track this Sunday (I think it is this Sunday) From 7-7.  you don't have to stay the whole time but it woudl be nice. 

Wow.  This has been a very long post.  I just usually don't have much to talk about.  Give yourself a pat on the back if you actually read this far.  And another if you actually bother to comment on my monotonous ramblings.

later

Amber, I can SO relate to you when it comes to problems at work.  I know the reason for the problems this girl has and I can't say what it is but this person annoys me SO much.  I am always nice to her but my patience is just wearing thin. 

I am just drained of all energy lately.  I have reached the point that I am so tired that I am always hyper and I laugh about everything.  Like Friday night.  That was pretty sad.  I made a statement and Jennifer disagreed so she said emphatically "no she did!"  It was hilarious.  Well, then it was.

I am submitting 10 pieces of my poetry for the Pantheon (a literary magazine my school publishes) And 4 I am submitting to actually be published.  I have written so many poems that it will be difficult to choose.  Last time I counted I had written somewhere around 54 poems and those didn't include the ones that I had written in my journal (a LONG time ago) Anyway, I hope that I win something.